So you're thinking about hosting a Japanese student...
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Hosting a Japanese student who is participating in "homestay" or any other overseas study program can be educational, fun, aggravating, and rewarding. As in all associations, the more each party is willing to work for a successful relationship, the more positive and trouble-free the experience will be. The proper attitude for homestay is the key element for both the host and the student.

I have escorted groups of students from Japan to various areas of California and Arizona since 1984, and have enjoyed seeing their reactions and growth as they experience life in my home country. Unfortunately, however, I have seen some homestay experiences ruined because of selfishness and insufficient communication. It is my wish that this will help host parents and families better understand their Japanese student, and assist in creating an environment that will foster understanding and provide a rewarding experience for everyone involved.

© 1999 - 2008 Tim R. Matheson

Communication is More than Language
Smoking
Vagueness in Answering
Coming from the "Safety Society"
The Value of Money
Greetings and Other Things Ignored
Please Define Affectionate
Japan's 28-Hour Days
Buddhist or Shinto or What?
Laundry Time
Anybody in There?
Relatively Helpless
No Garage Sales Here
Rated Zero
Medical Concerns
Volunteerism 101
Excuse me, but how old are you?
Please Pass the Soy Sauce
Return Luggage
For the Teachers
Why Homestay?
Thank You!
Notes

At my school we hold orientation sessions for our students who are preparing to participate in our homestay program. Though I give "mini-lessons" on English that may be helpful during their stay abroad, English ability is not mandatory. In fact, most of the students who go on homestay are non-English major students, and have no English classes in their course of study. Accordingly, most of our homestaying students' English language ability I would rate from zero to poor.

Host families receive an application and introductory letter from their student written in English. Too many breathe a sigh of relief, thinking that this is an indication of their student's speaking ability. A day or two after arrival (usually at the welcome party) a host parent will often approach me and say, "The English in Yumiko's letter was great. How come she can't speak at all?" A very good question with a simple answer: The Ministry of Education in Japan has for decades emphasized only writing and reading. Students analyze English grammar and composition as if it were a science, and have no idea how living, conversational English works, except those who go to private English schools.¹ There are those who love to pick up phrases and gestures from popular American movies, but that brand of communication is usually not welcome in the host family's home.

Nevertheless, I have found that language ability has little to do with a successful homestay. It helps, there's no doubt about it, but I've known students with good English have bad stays because of personality clashes and culture-related problems. In spite of our students' limited proficiency in English, most of them have had good stays because they had a positive attitude, they worked at communicating, and we've been fortunate to have host families that are willing to do the same. I tell my students that communication is more than just language ability. I tell them to use their dictionaries, hands, and facial expressions in order to convey their meaning to their listener. As a host parent, please remember that your Japanese student will not understand English at the speed you would talk to your own children. They will not understand contracted phrases like "Whatcha doin'?" or slang like "What a bummer!"

The trip from Japan to the U.S. is a long and tiring one. Upon arrival, everything's different! Culture shock and jet lag are real problems for some; at least one in ten catches a cold or has some digestive disorder. Families need to be especially sensitive and patient for the first 5 days, making the student feel at home and not stressed. At first, it's a good idea to show each other photos and do things that will keep conversation simple and sentences short, giving your student plenty of time to learn and adjust.

For successful communication:

Speak slowly in a relaxed, quiet voice. It's obvious that your student will not be able to understand you if you use the same speech mode that you would use on your children or friends. A calm, quiet voice helps a lot.

Keep an unstressed, happy facial expression, but not one you would use on a 2-year old. As with the voice, a friendly, natural expression will show your willingness to make communication work.

Act as though you have all the time in the world. Good communication takes time and patience, especially at first.

Repeat as often as necessary, still composed, slightly slower than before. As strange as it may seem, some people speak louder whenever they're asked to repeat something. If you seem irritable when asked to repeat, the student probably won't ask for repeats anymore, finishing out the homestay period just pretending to understand.

Have a pen and paper handy to write down words or phrases when necessary. Tell your student to keep their dictionary handy, and use it when necessary. As mentioned already, the Japanese are much better at understanding written English than spoken. By taking the time to write things down, using simple sentence structures, and using the student's English-Japanese/Japanese-English dictionary, there should be nothing you cannot discuss — it just may take awhile.

Have the student repeat important points to verify his/her understanding. During the homestay period there are some things that cannot be left to chance. Meeting times, places, and changes in the family's regular schedule are the most common. Sometimes, when a student is tired or lazy, he or she will nod and say "yes" to everything you say. If it is really important, it's good to check by making them repeat it. For example, asking "What time is Bob going to pick you up at school today?" is a good way to find out exactly whether or not the student knows when Bob will pick them up.

Keep sentences simple. Using the question in the above paragraph as an example, let's see how confusing English can get. Someone could ask, "Now, what time is Bob...?" or "Now, do you know what time Bob is...?" etc. Japanese students won't know what the "now" means (they only know the now that means "right now, this instant"), so that strange "now" at the beginning of the sentence will throw them. Also, as we all know, too many Americans have the bad habit of saying "y'know" constantly while they talk. Native English speakers unconsciously weed out these unnecessary insertions when listening to others, but students hear them and think they're an important part of what's being said. It may be very hard, but it will really help to clean up your speech, keeping it as clear of unnecessary words as much as possible.

Refrain from joking and "kidding around" for the first few days. The Japanese joke and kid around, too, but not near as often as Americans do, and only after a common bond of friendship or "trust" has been formed. One case of misunderstanding I remember well concerned a student who left some peas on her plate. The host mom stopped in the middle of clearing the table, put her hands on her hips, screwed up her face to act the part, and said, "Yumiko, you're a bad girl! You didn't eat your peas!" As a result, Yumiko thought she had broken some rule of the household, was no longer welcome, and requested another family. If you must kid, smile and laugh a lot, and don't play the part too seriously. And wait until you feel you know each other pretty well. Also, don't use the word "bad" when referring to people. To the Japanese mind it has a serious meaning, and will not be understood in a kidding context.

Next to communication problems, culture differences play a major role in creating misunderstandings and trouble. Let's take a look at the more common ones...

If you're old enough, you may remember the mid-'60s, when smoking was the norm wherever you went. Cigarette commercials were on TV, and non-smokers had no choice but to endure the reek when in public places. Remember? Well, Japan is like that today. I will admit that during the past few years Japan has made an effort to provide more non-smoking areas in stations and on trains, but it's a very slow process. Since cigarette TV commercials are still allowed here, American tobacco companies show many of them. (I understand that Asia is their "last frontier"...) You will never hear someone ask, "Mind if I smoke?" in Japan. If he's in a place it's allowed, the Japanese smoker will light right up without giving the slightest thought to the people around him, because that's okay in Japan, as well as most of Asia. There are many women smokers, too, but since it's taboo for women to smoke in public here, you won't often see it.

On the students' homestay application they must indicate whether they smoke or not. They are also truthfully told that it will be harder finding a host family for them if they smoke. You can see the problem they're faced with. The result is that half of the males and almost all of the females that smoke will lie on the application, indicating that they don't smoke, and will hope that they can do their smoking while away from their host families. On the other hand, there are more families now that not only want a non-smoker, they don't want any trace of the odor in their house.

Our students are shown an area where they can smoke at the homestay study center, and are usually very good about obeying the rules in regards to smoking there. Likewise, they will usually respect the family's feelings concerning smoking. But please! If you find out your "non-smoking" student is a smoker, don't treat him or her like a vile sinner. (It happens sometimes, and is very unfortunate.) At least show them a spot in your yard where they can indulge their addiction, and, in as friendly a way as possible, let them know that you don't want the smell in the house. Again, this is a part of the communication process as well as their experience in a different culture. Don't treat them as if they should know better, because they don't — they really don't! As wonderfully advanced as Japan is in many areas, when it comes to smoking they're just stepping out of the Dark Ages.

One real nice thing about the Japanese culture is not having to hear arguing in public places. The Japanese are quite good at bottling up their feelings and keeping their opinions to themselves, especially when they're outside of their own territory. This, of course, has its negative side as well. We're all familiar with the common Japanese trait of not showing individuality: He who follows the flock is safe. Due to this, most homestaying students will try to get along with their host family and not "make any waves."

When asked a question like "What would you like to drink?" the student will be wondering how do I say "anything will be fine" in English? A much more successful approach would be to name or show an assortment of drinks, then have them choose. If asked, "Do you want to go see a movie this Saturday?" the student will wonder what will make the asker happy, and feel a sense of responsibility regarding the final outcome of the decision. (This may sound crazy, but it's true. It's a part of the "group mentality" learned and practiced from kindergarten days.) However, if asked, "We're going to go see Back to the Future: Part 5 this Saturday, okay?" the student feels that since everyone's mind is already made up, there is no real responsibility connected with the decision. This kind of question will be much easier on the student's mind.

When asking yes/no questions, try to give the student enough information to make it as easy as possible. As he or she gains experience with the English language and the foreign culture, these kinds of questions will eventually be handled with confidence.

Japan is a very safe country. Sure, it has its crime, and there are areas of some cities that have certain reputations, but overall Japan's crime is just a drop in the bucket when compared to other technically advanced countries. By the time kids are in the 4th grade they are going out after dark — usually alone — to private lessons in piano, baton, dancing, etc. By junior high school age they are taking supplementary classes in math, English, social studies, and others, coming home at 9 o'clock or so. By the 9th grade they are attending the infamous juku ("cram school"), which will help them prepare for high school entrance exams.² Juku lessons can go until 11 or 12 at night.

The point I want to make is that all these kids are making their way home late at night, either walking or by bicycle. They're used to it, and the safe environment that allows it. Because of late lessons and homework assignments, Japanese parents cannot really make up curfew times or "bedtimes." They have no choice but to let society control things. Besides this, most parents here believe that since adult life will be stressful enough for their kids, they let them do pretty much what they want to at home, meaning no chores or responsibilities. We may accurately say that most Japanese young people enjoy complete freedom from responsibility. Then they go on homestay and enter a very foreign world of household chores, rules, and mothers setting "be back by" times and bedtimes.

Host families are, thankfully, usually among the best that any given community has to offer, and it's a fact that homes that have certain rules and guidelines make the best host homes. Students coming from a completely different culture don't realize this. Many of them are thinking something like: I don't get it. I thought that America was a free country. All those American movies I've seen show how free American kids are; how they can do whatever they want whenever they want. The problem is that the Japanese learn about present-day America mainly from TV shows, news programs, and movies, which only show the extremes. They don't see the complete "freedom = responsibility / responsibility = freedom" picture, which is an essential balance in the West.

This has not really been a major problem during any of our homestays, but I have heard remarks and complaints now and then from students who have been surprised at the level of control that some host moms maintain over their own kids' activities. They thought that they would have more "freedom." Here, host parents and teachers may need to explain that their culture requires a certain level of control over their kids' movements for safety's sake, even though it may not be as necessary in Japan. If the student's English level can handle it, this should be an interesting discussion.

Freedom is truly relative....

What are life's necessities? House, food, and clothing, right? Or is it food, clothing, and shelter? Does the order matter? It does in Japanese. These three necessities can be said in a single compound word in Japanese: ishokuju (pronounced ee-shokoo-joo). The i (ee) means "clothing"; shoku means "food"; ju is "housing." The order is important because it indicates their level of priority in Japan. And it makes good sense, too: People will always see what you're wearing. When you eat out or shop for groceries, they may see what you eat. However, unless they follow you home and are invited inside, they will never see your living quarters.

Since clothing and related accessories are at the top of the list, Japanese students will justify spending a whole month's pay from their part-time job on a leather jacket or hand bag while abroad on homestay. "Luxury" items like these will cost 2 or 3 times more back in Japan, so it's really a bargain. On the other hand, when a host mom who has to wait for a sale at Sears to buy a $69 coat for her son sees her 18-year-old Japanese student fork over cash to buy a $699 jacket — well, the relationship may sour a bit.

It may help a little if host parents understand the Japanese custom of omiyage, or "obligatory gift-giving." Simply put, when someone goes on a trip he or she brings back gifts for family members, friends, and neighbors. If a younger member of the family goes, parents, grandparents, uncles, and other relatives will often give money and say, "Here, buy something for yourself." However, the traditional rule of omiyage states that about half of the money received has to be used for a gift to take back to the giver. If a student has several relatives living nearby it is not uncommon for he or she to be given several hundred dollars just for this purpose. He or she then must buy something for himself or herself with half of the money to show appreciation for the gift. The other half of the money will be converted into neckties, cosmetics, handbags, and chocolates to take back to the giver(s). Again, this is the traditional spirit of omiyage. These days parents and relatives aren't as free with their money, and if they give any at all, they will often say, "Just get something for yourself; nothing for me."

We remind our students before departure that homestay is not a big shopping spree, and to take just enough money to cover their living expenses, plus a little in case their host family likes to go out a lot. You cannot blame them, though, when they see prices in America or Australia and get the bug to buy. But then again, if the yen keeps sliding the way it is, shopping abroad will lose some of its charm.

We tell ours not to, but if a student happens to make an extravagant purchase in your presence, please don't think badly of him or her. To them it is a truly a once-in-a-lifetime chance, and besides all those pictures they take with the smiles and the "peace signs," many of them feel they need that one fancy trophy to take home and show off, too.

It would be safe to say that most parents in most countries raise their boys and girls differently. I mean raise their boys in a different manner than their girls. In Japan they are raised very differently. In some places in Japan they are raised very, very differently. (Like on Kyushu where women's laundry is hung out to dry below the men's, but that's another story...) I know this section will offend some, but it is nevertheless the truth.

When Japanese parents have a boy they worry about whether or not he will be able to get into a good enough high school in order to get into a good enough university in order to get into a good enough company. Nothing else really matters. If the lad happens to pick up a sense of humor, polite manners, or a hobby or two along the way (something other than computer games and comic books), that's okay, too.

Girls, on the other hand, are raised to be happy and cheerful and caring. They need to find a guy who made it into a good enough company, and then become good wives and mothers. Parents in Japan know that getting their daughter(s) married off will wipe out their savings, but also feel that it will be worth it as long as she marries someone who is with a good enough company. Trends are slowly changing in Japan, but this traditional perspective is still the most common.

Because the importance of team effort is taught early in Japan, general social skills are left untouched. Traditional formalities regarding how to act and react with people within your own circle are picked up well enough, but small, everyday gestures aren't really taught in Japanese homes. As already mentioned, Japanese kids don't have household chores or responsibilities.³ When a boy starts junior high school, it is supposed that all his energies are being used in focusing on getting into his target high school (which is like getting into a top university in America). Around the house he is allowed to "converse" using grunts and single-word sentences. Mothers seem to not expect (and will certainly never demand) anything more. Only among friends will he seem to be actually conversing in a comprehensible way.⁴

If you have a male student, you may notice that he will be more friendly and outspoken when one or more of his friends are nearby. This is because having them near will either boost his self-confidence, or make him want to show off. Alone or with friends, female students will usually act and react in the same manner.

If you have a student who is very quiet and reserved and/or doesn't return greetings, try saying their name first, and then "Good morning!" or whatever in a sincere, friendly manner. After a few days of proper encouragement they'll catch on and should do fine.

"Thank you" and "you're welcome" are also occasionally a problem. In most situations in Japan you don't thank someone for a kindness. Rather, you apologize for putting the person out. That is why many host parents will get a "sorry" out of a student when they expected a "thank you." Depending on the situation, a humble nod in Japan can be used in place of the "sorry," which will relieve the student (so they feel) of having to verbally show thanks. This is acceptable in most Japanese homes. Moreover, "you're welcome" exists as a formality, but is rarely used. If anything is used in everyday conversation in Japan to acknowledge a "thank you," it will be the equivalent of our "not at all." And since most homestaying students don't know that phrase, they will often just say "no." If they aren't sure what to do they'll use that convenient nod again. Since it will get them off the hook in Japan, they believe it will overseas, too.

Again, if your student needs work in this area, he or she will also need patience and understanding. After all, teaching and learning these very things should be the purpose of homestay in the first place.

We have looked at several points which have caused the worst homestay troubles and misunderstandings in the groups I have personally escorted. The following I thought would also be good to mention because over the years they have caused their share of minor problems, questioning glances, or, in some instances, amusement.

On the students' application is a place where they fill in their "personality characteristics." They are also given a guide sheet which lists many possible examples with their Japanese meanings. Year after year I notice that practically all of the girls will include the same two — cheerful and affectionate — even though some may show absolutely no trace of either one during their entire stay.

Actually, there is no Japanese word that is equivalent to our affectionate. In the English-Japanese dictionary the definitions shown really mean "loving, caring," etc. So when your student puts down affectionate as one of her traits it means she likes holding her kitty, not that she'll enjoy sitting on your lap.

This does not mean, however, that they will be cold or unfriendly. Just like people of other countries, some come from "touchy feely" families and some don't. You'll find out sooner or later what kind you've got. Just like anywhere else, appropriate contact should not cause any problems as long as it's not overdone. Although it may seem strange and "cold" to westerners, keep in mind that Japanese families do not show any physical "affection" towards each other in public, even at airports where they are saying good-bye to a family member they won't see again for years, or hello to one they haven't seen for the same amount of time.

Incidentally, some Japanese girls like to "hang on" to each other a lot and sometimes hold hands. This does not mean that they have a questionable relationship. We tell them to avoid doing that while abroad, but since it's acceptable in Japan they sometimes forget.

Male/female contact in public is still a rarity in Japan. Once in a blue moon you might see a real brave couple holding hands, but that's about it. It's great, though, because you can go to an amusement park here and don't have to stand in long lines watching teenagers slobber all over each other.

As mentioned earlier, Japanese students get used to long days relatively early in life. By junior high school age, regular classes are taking up the whole day and supplement classes are taking 3 or 4 nights a week. On days when big homework assignments are given the student has no choice but to stay up until it's done. This means that these kids are getting only 5 or 6 hours of sleep most nights of the week.

Host families are sometimes surprised to find their student staying up until midnight or later working on homework. (I have heard of cases where students brought homework from Japan to do during homestay!) There isn't really much you can do, especially if he or she is spending enough time communicating with family members. This is what they're used to. You do have a problem, though, when your student uses homework as an excuse to run straight to the bedroom after dinner, avoiding contact or communication with the family. If this should occur, and talking with the student doesn't improve the situation, it would probably be a good idea to consult the Teacher/Coordinator.

Religion plays only a very little part in the lives of most of our students. A "religious" Japanese family may have a "mini-shrine" high on a shelf in the living room or a family altar where the ashes of a deceased family member are kept. A "very religious" one may make their New Year's Day trip every year to the nearby Shinto shrine to pray for a safe year.

Once in a while students are asked about religion in Japan, and host parents are surprised to find that besides knowing little about the subject, most students cannot say what their family's religion is. The fact is their family doesn't belong to any particular religion at all. Though a very strange concept to westerners, in Japan you can take advantage of several religions — religious services, actually — as need arises.

In brief, Shinto, the purely Japanese religion, is for happy occasions and blessings. Buddhism, the religion of millions of Asians, is for solemn services like funerals and post-funeral ceremonies in Japan. Either can be used for weddings. In fact, most hotels and wedding halls offer three popular types: Shinto, Buddhist, or Christian. If the "Christian" wedding is chosen, it's only for the outfits and chapel setting. It has absolutely nothing to do with religion. They'll have their "Christian" wedding, take their children to the Shinto shrine for blessings and festivals, and contact the Buddhist temple when someone dies.

Every now and then a puzzled host mom will say she's concerned about her student because they've given her no laundry to do, nor have they given any hint of wanting to use the washer. After looking into the situation we find that the student's been washing the necessary items by hand in the bathroom sink at night. This is not a common problem, but very shy or reserved students may do this once in a while.

You may have to mention a few times that it's okay to use the washer and dryer; that you'll show them how or do it for them. If you want them to do it themselves they will need a lesson. In Japan there is no hot water inlet — cold water only — on washers. Also, because of the prevailing theory (or superstition) that sun-dried clothes are healthier, very few people here have dryers.

They will need your help and patience with this.

As far as I know, most Americans keep bathroom doors open when they're not being used. That probably goes for homes in other western countries as well. In Japan, the restroom — not bathroom — door is always kept closed.⁵ There are several reasons for this, but one is that the room is very small, making it necessary to hinge the door so it swings outward; so it's kept closed so it won't block a hallway. However, keeping the door always closed causes no trouble because it has a small window or lamp which makes it easy to tell whether or not it's occupied. That is why Japanese students are in the habit of always closing restroom doors when they're finished.

We tell students about the cultural difference, but they will still feel uncomfortable about leaving restroom doors open at first.

Choosing a title for this section was not easy. While admitting that it would be unfair to say that Japanese students are helpless, saying that many of them are when compared to young people of western cultures would be an accurate statement.

Young people in Japan, especially males, are not encouraged to take care of themselves. They have probably made curried rice in teams at school (where the girls do most of the work) once or twice, but have had little or no training in anything else. This sometimes causes anxiety on the part of the student if he's in a home with a busy mother who wants him to make his own breakfast and lunch. Ready-to-eat foods will, of course, be no problem. The kind that need heating up or other preparation will most likely take some getting used to. (Except Cup Noodle®, which most students are very familiar with.)

As this is also a very important part of the cultural experience, we hope that all of our students will have the opportunity to learn how their host families work together, and that a few skills in self-sufficiency will rub off on them. As with the laundry, willingness to go slowly over the instructions as often as needed will be the key to success.

There are no garage sales in Japan. And that isn't because there are very few garages. The whole feeling of buying, selling, giving, or getting used articles in Japan is quite different than in western countries. An item handed down from an ancestor will surely be appreciated and treasured, but no one would make a hobby out of searching out and buying the heirlooms of other families.

Though unthinkable in the U.S., most used homes are even shunned because they are believed to retain the essence of the former inhabitants. Unless the buyer is in a real financial bind, he will buy it, have it dismantled, then have a new house built on the land.

One second-hand item that enjoys social acceptance is the automobile. Like anywhere else, young guys with only a certain amount to spend would rather have something fast or flashy, so they go to the used car dealer, of which there are many here.

The reason I bring this up is because many years ago one of my students threw away an almost new pair of shoes just before returning to Japan. The host mother was quite upset when she found them in the bedroom wastepaper basket, and said to me, "My daughter would love to have these, and they fit her fine. If she (the student) didn't want them, why didn't she give them to her?" The answer here is that hand-me-downs are okay within families, but are thought to be inappropriate, even rude, in most other cases. Then again, it also depends on the article. A ring or necklace which has been worn by the giver may be thought of as a token of friendship, while shoes — no matter how nice — won't have the same "status."

In spite of this, there is nothing wrong with asking for something which the owner obviously no longer wants. He or she may show some surprise in your interest, but will be happy to know you're happy with it.

Westerners are usually surprised to find that movies are not rated in Japan. That's right — no ratings on movies, even all those imported from the States. Junior high kids here regularly go and see all the latest movies with their friends after school, many of which are rated R in the U.S. (I know a couple that are big fans of Schwarzenegger's and Stallone's action films, and they have taken their 3 boys to see all of them since the youngest was about 5 years old.) Also, when a movie is a couple of years old and is shown on TV, it may be edited for time, but never for content. And never will you see a "warning" concerning the suitability of its contents for younger viewers. Thanks to this easy exposure, some Japanese kids think they have a pretty good idea of what's "cool" in America.

Host families may be surprised to hear their student talking about a movie that they wouldn't let their children see, but what really causes problems is students "trying out" the English that they learned from American movies in a real American environment — their homestay environment. If confronted about this, students will not understand what they're doing wrong. After all, they're only using words that their favorite movie star uses.

The same applies to certain types of music. You'll never hear of a Japanese parent not wanting or letting their kids listen to a certain band or type of music, no matter how filled it is with street talk. If it's in "English" the content won't be understood anyway.

In Japanese there are no real "swear words" as we know them. There is swearing, of course, but there are no words that would be thought of as being equivalent to our English "swear words." If a Japanese child picks up a "bad word" and uses it in front of his parents, more often than not he or she will receive laughter, and maybe even praise. In brief, there are no words that a Japanese parent would try to discourage their child from using.

The use of foul language during homestay has never been a real problem with my own groups. If a host parent simply and calmly explains that certain words are "taboo" and are not to be used, students will usually comply. This is a necessary part of their English education.

If the student's conversational ability is up to it, this topic can be used to lead into other interesting discussions regarding cultural differences.

Unfortunately, students doing homestay get sick. One in five will catch a cold (especially during Christmas homestay); one in 10 will have stomach/digestive problems; and 1 in 20 will have to go to a doctor or dentist for flu, infections, toothaches, etc.

For a cold or stomach problem, first see if the student brought medicine from Japan. If not, you'll have to use your best judgement to decide on a remedy to try. It's always best to consult with the Teacher/Coordinator, especially if the problem persists or seems worse than usual.

Though my students have had all kinds of illnesses, I'm very grateful that we've had nothing really serious or life-threatening. We did have one experience, however, where a student simply could not mentally cope with the new surroundings, and had to be put into the "potentially violent" ward of a mental hospital due to the circumstances of his problem and hospitalization. It was such a wild and bizarre experience for me that I wrote a poem about it. If you're interested click here.

Each case of illness is a little different, but host moms working with the Teacher/Coordinator and, when possible, the Teacher/Escort should be able to handle most anything that comes up. If a trip to the doctor becomes unavoidable, remember to take the student's travel insurance card, and see that the student receives and keeps any receipts for relevant costs.

Another thing that should be mentioned is the importance of taking illnesses seriously, even when you know it's nothing serious. Americans and others of western cultures sometimes have the tendency to laugh a little and say something like, "Oh, it's probably just a touch of the flu." There's nothing wrong with that, it's part of our optimistic society; but when a student completely surrounded by unfamiliar newness gets sick, and especially when their English language abilities are lacking, a light-hearted comment — and particularly laughing — will not be understood, and not at all appreciated. This is when host family members need to really listen sincerely to their student and show that they will do all they can to help him or her feel at ease and recover as quickly as possible.

Every culture has its weak spots, and Japan is no exception. One that has always bothered me is that unless you take lessons, pass exams, and get a license to do something, you cannot do anything. Training and exams have their place, of course, but there are situations that require instead a developed sense of judgement followed by action which suits the situation.

Many may recall the Hanshin (Kobe area) Earthquake which occurred in January 1995. Thousands were killed, and before the Japanese government could organize rescue teams to go into the area, teams from other countries were already arriving and going to work. Japan saw that there was a great flaw in their system because of this, and has been trying to make its citizens more aware of the importance of volunteer work. You can now see advertisements in newspapers for evening classes in "volunteerism." You go get your training, pass the tests, get your certificate, and presto! — you're a bona fide volunteer!

This does miss the point somewhat, but I guess it's a step in the right direction. Since household work or responsibilities are mostly unknown to Japanese kids, volunteering to help someone is unknown as well. If your student doesn't volunteer, it isn't because he or she is lazy, it's simply a lack of training. Once again, here's where the cultural experience can be a valuable one. You, as host families, are perfect examples of volunteerism. Hopefully, the students will realize this and appreciate your spirit of giving enough to learn from your example.

In western cultures most anyone would be surprised if asked the above question. Many would think it rude. Strangely, in Japan it's acceptable, as long as it begins with the proper form of "excuse me."

If you are asked this, just avoid it in a friendly way, with something like, "Oh, that's a secret!" That, by the way, is also acceptable in Japan.

Table manners exist in Japan, they're just different. As a rule, Japanese meals consist of 4 or 5 items, all in or on their own small plate, dish, or bowl. Because of limited table space, the mother usually doesn't put large "serve yourself" type platters or dishes out, and rice is kept on a counter in the steamer until dished up in individual bowls. When the dad or kids want more, they just hold up the corresponding dish, say "o-kawari" (which means "seconds"), and the mom jumps up and gets it. As the kids, mainly girls, get older they will also help out with this in many homes. Accordingly, with someone playing the part of "table servant" there is little need to pass things around.

Once in a while, however, there will be times when everyone is seated and there's something wanted at the other end of the table. To the Japanese mind disturbing the person next to you is rude, so if what they want is reachable they will just reach out and take it. Although adults will often say "excuse me" while doing this, children are not necessarily taught to do so.

Another major difference has to do with slurping sounds. Noodle dishes like udon and ramen are popular in Japan, and not only are slurping sounds acceptable, there are those who insist that the dish isn't good unless it's accompanied by the appropriate sounds.

We make it a point to go over various table manners with our students in our orientations, hoping that they won't embarrass themselves in front of their hosts. During the homestay period it might be interesting and amusing to discuss this.

No matter how smooth a homestay goes, one problem that we always have — and will certainly always have — is the ever-growing mass of our students' luggage. Students tend to buy stuff, and thanks to the Japanese ritual of omiyage (explained above), they not only buy stuff for themselves, but also end up buying lots of stuff for many friends and relatives. Needless to say, as we near the end of our homestay most of them find that they have far more luggage than they can possibly carry back to Japan, and they start thinking about this far too late. Some of them think they can sort it all out and ship a part of it from our hotel the day before our departure. I always find that amusing. Don't you find that amusing?⁶

I make it a point to talk to the students about this several days before departure. I tell them about sending stuff home by mail, but when they hear about the high cost of sending by airmail they make a sour face. Then I tell them how surface (seamail) is cheaper but takes 6 weeks, and they make a sourer one. As a result, only a handful of my students have actually used the postal services over the years. What most of them do is buy a big, cheap suitcase or duffel bag at the gift shop in the hotel and, with the help of friends, somehow lug the whole works home. Many of them stay up most of the night sorting everything out and packing it.

What host families could do to help in this area is simply ask their student if they need any help, maybe about a week before departure. If you suggest taking them to a Walmart-type store so they can buy an inexpensive extra bag⁷, or, in the unlikely event that they want to ship something by mail, get them a box, some packing tape, and take them to the post office⁸, it would really help smooth out their last few days. (The teachers and escorts will really appreciate it, too.)

As already mentioned, Japanese kids are taught dependence on others. From a very young age they're taught the value of seeking advice and conferring with others. There is, of course, merit in these concepts, but anything can be overdone. Teachers from western countries often find their experiences in Japanese classrooms to be aggravating, as do teachers of Japanese students homestaying abroad. That's because the things the students do are no big deal in their home country, and even sometimes encouraged. Probably the biggest problem that comes up is "conferencing and copying."

Since self-confidence isn't such a virtue in Japan, students don't trust themselves, so instead of giving the teacher a quick, straightforward reply, they will first "hold conference" with their friend. This soon becomes annoying when it's done for every little question. Teachers will have to decide when to allow this and when not to, and keep reminding the students as necessary. After getting used to a teacher's individual style of "classroom management," most students will cooperate and hopefully learn valuable skills in the process.

The Japanese are notorious for their copying. Only by copying were they able to do what they have done in the last 50 years. Copying is seen as a virtue in Japan — many believe that to have one's work copied is a great compliment. When it comes to schoolwork, only on examinations is copying not allowed, and then it is so specified so that students will know. Obviously, the Japanese definition of "copying" is very different from the western one. (Even copyright laws in Japan are not given the same status as those in the west, which causes various problems.)

When students are working on an assignment in class, teachers may be surprised to see some of them copying what their neighbor is writing without a care who's watching them. That's because there is no embarrassment attached to it. As already mentioned, everything in Japan is done by committee and conferencing anyway, so it stands to reason that ultimately everyone's paper will and should have the same answers on it. Again, teachers will have to remember that the students — as far as they are concerned — are behaving normally.

Teachers in charge of homestay classes will have to remember to approach these trouble spots as if they are teaching a brand new concept to their students, because that's exactly what they will be doing.

One question on the homestay application that is difficult for the students is also one of the most important: Why do you want to participate in the homestay program? Three of the more popular answers are "to make friends abroad," "to improve my English," and "to try new things." You won't see "to play with my classmates abroad" or "because it'll look good on my resume" written down, but according to my own sources these are often the real reasons. But that's okay because the great thing about homestay is that it is such a different experience and so full of surprises that many students come back with different reasons than the ones they originally had.

The Japanese culture allows its young people to take much for granted. Homestay allows students to see other people living other lifestyles and solving problems in different ways. There is no doubt that the homestay experience broadens their minds.

On the way home, or after returning to Japan, students will tell me how much they enjoyed their homestay experience and how glad they are that they went. That is always so good to hear. Many students thank their host families for opening their homes and sharing their lives with them, and keep up an active correspondence. To hear that is especially rewarding. Whether or not your student sufficiently conveys his or her feelings, you can bet that their experience will be one they will always remember.

I always encourage my students to maintain their relationships with their host families, and sincerely hope that their host families will also continue giving their support and friendship.

One of our students who participated in homestay was asked to speak at his graduation ceremony. He not only did a very good job, the comments about his homestay experience were really appreciated. I'm pleased to report that he had a very positive experience with a great family who cared to make a difference. This is what he said about the most impressive moment he had during his stay:

"It was my last night with my host family, and as we talked together I found myself wishing that I could stay longer. I couldn't understand many things that were said, but one thing that I understood I will never forget: Always remember that you are our number one Japanese son."

I cannot fully express the admiration and appreciation I have for families that give this much. Host families and the homestay experience they provide really do make a difference!

1. The Ministry of Education has for several years incorporated a system wherein they hire native English speakers to act as assistants in English classes at public schools. Unfortunately, the students' exposure to this "real" English is very minimal, and it is not emphasized as much as the "grammar analysis" type of English (as I like to call it) that will be in their examinations. This, along with the existence of the Japanese katakana phonetic alphabet, which allows foreign words to be written in a way that will guarantee their mispronunciation, makes English language education in Japan a kind of a joke. Serious students will take private English lessons or go on overseas study programs which include intensive English instruction.
   
   The Ministry of Education has talked about starting English education at an earlier age, and I have also heard rumors of adopting programs which would make it the official second language, like in the Philippines. If they did that I think we would finally see an improvement in English proficiency.
   
   For more please see English Education in Japan.
   
   
2. Entrance into high school in Japan is not an easy process. Kids do not simply go to the one nearest home. High schools are ranked, and since parents don't want their kids to go do a "dummy" high school, they send them to the juku ("cram school") for supplementary lessons in order to give them a chance of passing the entrance exam of a high- or mid-ranking high school.
   
   The competition is fierce, too. A couple of weeks before the entrance exam the high school will post in the newspaper exactly how many will take the entrance exam and how many will be accepted. As you can imagine, this really puts the pressure on the kids.
   
   
3. It has been tradition in Japan for mothers to not let their sons take out trash or do any similar "dirty" job, saying that if he wants to amount to anything in life he will leave that kind of work to women. According to my wife (and she's usually right) at least half of Japan's mothers still tell their sons this today.
   
   This trend is changing, though. Just last year the men where I work started to help with the office trash detail, something that only the women did for years.
   
   
4. I've noticed that many Japanese male adults seem to keep this inability to relax outside of their own little circle. Many of our teaching staff have been overseas and have participated in homestay, either as a student or a teacher/escort. I like to ask them about their experiences, and whether or not they would like to go again. Interestingly, almost all the women will enthusiastically say, "Yes! I want to go again!" while the men will usually reply, "No, it's too tiring."
   
   There's no doubt that women appear to be beneath men within the physical world of Japan, but mentally they are much more liberated, which may be why so many more female students want to participate in homestay and other overseas programs.
   
   
5. Bathrooms in Japan are only for bathing. In modern homes the bathroom might be next to the laundry room, which might also have a sink and mirror. The "toilet," as they call it, is a small room with only a toilet and a small sink. Very few homes in Japan have a bath or shower and a toilet in the same room.
   
   
6. In Japan there are great shipping services which will come to wherever you are whenever you want, pack whatever you want, and ship it wherever you want them to. Any hotel you stay at here will help arrange this. You pay for this convenient service, of course, but it is convenient. The last time I checked, U.S. hotels have no such service.
   
   
7. A clever Teacher/Coordinator once found very usable secondhand suitcases at a local thrift shop for $1 each.
   
   
8. If they ship a box from the post office, they will be asked to fill out a customs declaration form, which basically asks for the sender's and receiver's names and addresses, the contents of the box and the value of the items, if you want it insured, and what to do if it is undeliverable. Because it may take some time for a student to fill this out in English, if you pick up one or two beforehand and fill it out at home, the usual crawl through the post office will go much smoother.

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